My Family

My Family

Monday, October 21, 2013

Getting back to it

So, I have spent a lot of time away from my blog.  Since January of this year in fact.  A lot has happened since then, so much that I don't even know where to begin. I guess the thing that has most affected our lives since my last post is the passing of my Dad. 
It was a long 6 year battle for my Dad, one that he fought valiantly.  He was determined to not let this disease get the best of him.  Even in his last days, his sense of humor was the same as always.  He talked about how good he felt, and even made sure I ate an ice cream sandwich with him on that last night. I am so thankful that I got to spend that time with him, it is a memory I will cherish for the rest of my life. 
Since then, life has moved on, as it usually does.  There are days when I still find myself wanting to call him, or send him a text.  It is those days that I take a moment and listen to my recording of his voicemail greeting.  I know it seems silly, but my Dad always ended those greetings with something that would make you smile.  For a long time he ended it, "Have fun today".  The recording I have now is the last one he made, it ends "Take care of yourself."  We used to tease him about his crazy voicemail greetings, now I find that it gets me through some tough days. 
I am a firm believer that those we have lost never really leave us.  My Dad frequently visits me in dreams, so much that it's almost like I still see him all the time.  I'm not sure if this is helping my grief process or not, I'd like to think so.  Sometimes he just stands in the background, not saying a thing, just letting me know that he's there.  Other times he yells at me for doing something stupid, or telling me to buy a lottery ticket (that hasn't worked yet, so I'm not sure what that's all about). Just once I was able to hug him again...that was the best.  There are days that it hurts so much, and others where I can smile about him and think only happy thoughts. Some days the tears flow so freely that I don't realize I'm crying until the kids say something about it. 
I suppose this is all normal.  I've experienced a fair amount of loss in my life, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, and friends.  But this is different.  I don't know from one day to the next how I am going to feel, what might trigger my grief to rear its ugly head.  Grief is such a long process, but necessary nonetheless.  I have found, that in my grief, I appreciate who my Dad was so much more.  I appreciate the things he taught me, the things he gave me, and even the fights that we had.  I try to incorporate a little of him into everyday so that my kids will always know him. 
I will try to keep the sad posts to a minimum, but can't promise anything.  I am looking forward to getting back to writing, and sharing my crazy life with you.  Thanks for reading....take care of yourself.  -K

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